


The Marital Observation

by gertie_flirty



Category: Big Bang Theory
Genre: F/M, Humor, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-10-26
Updated: 2010-10-25
Packaged: 2017-10-17 01:25:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 6,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/171471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gertie_flirty/pseuds/gertie_flirty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>The Marital Observation</p>
    </blockquote>





	1. Part One: Preparation

**Author's Note:**

> The Marital Observation

The Marital Observation

By gertie_flirty

Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to the Big Bang Theory.

Summary: Sheldon Cooper is marrying Amy Farrah Fowler, but someone breaks up the ceremony at the last second.

A/N: This is a Sheldon/Penny fic, I swear, even if it's not immediate. Hopefully you'll find the journey worth it. Also, I started writing it about two weeks ago, so it might diverge slightly from canon following episode 4x05 – "The Desperation Emanation." I'll try to keep it as up to date as possible, but most likely it won't pan out to be the most canonical of things.

xxxxx

Part One: Preparation

xxxxx

Once more, he checked the cuffs of his sleeves. His fingers nimbly adjusted the buttons and he tugged at the ends ever so slightly.

"Nervous, huh?"

Sheldon scoffed. "Hardly."

"That's the twelfth time you've looked at your sleeves in the past ten minutes." Leonard couldn't help but smile at seeing his friend so uneasy. So-smug Sheldon was totally flustered, and it was highly amusing.

They were in one of the spare rooms of the church that had been converted to a dressing room for weddings. Somehow, someway, Sheldon and Amy had managed to not only become engaged, but actually make it to their wedding day without any huge catastrophe occurring.

"I'm being seen in front of a large crowd of people. Any dangling pieces of cloth could incite them to trample me." Sheldon looked at himself in the full length mirror and adjusted his bowtie.

"It's still bizarre," said Howard, in his own tuxedo. "I mean, you, Sheldon, getting married?"

"It really is kind of weird." Agreed Raj.

"I don't see what's so weird about it. Amy and I are perfectly compatible."

"Compatible in this case meaning you're the only two left of your strange alien race, then sure." Howard said, causing Raj to chuckle.

"To be perfectly honest, the only reason we agreed on marriage is because our mothers came to the conclusion that we must have a marital contract before we procreate."

"Procreate?" Leonard cringed.

"Yes. Our mothers both decreed artificial insemination was morally reprehensible, and we must conceive a child in the rather unpleasant fashion of coitus."

"Sheldon, do me a favor, when you finally do have . . . coitus, will you stop referring to it as . . . 'coitus?'" asked Howard.

Sheldon considered this for a moment. "I suppose so. Although hopefully it won't be as unsanitary as the three of you make it seem."

"Oh jeez—I need a – coffee," interjected Leonard.

"An Irish coffee," Howard added. "Let's let Sheldon finish getting ready. I'm sure he needs to re-button his sleeves fifteen more times."

"Perhaps the three of you should go. You are increasing my anxiety. However, remember the mockup we did of the ceremony. You need to be at the altar at precisely 3:15, on the groom's side—"

"We know Sheldon," Leonard said, pushing his friends out the door.

"What makes Irish coffee Irish?" asked Raj as they stepped out.

"Bailey's," Howard replied.

xxxxx

Down the street from the church was a small restaurant with a bar. The boys took seats upon the uncomfortable stools and started to order drinks.

"Rum and coke."

"Irish coffee."

"Appletini."

The boys looked over at the feminine voices that had spoke to the bartender. Three women in large, poofy bronze colored dresses had sidled up to the bar unnoticed, despite the ridiculous cap sleeves and taffeta of their gowns.

"Oh, hi," said Leonard. "You must be Amy's bridesmaids."

"Oh, yeah," said the first girl, a short woman with long, dark curly hair and thick glasses. "I'm Lina. This is Hannah," she gestured to the second woman with overly-straightened brown hair and an excessive amount of makeup; then pointed to a shy looking Indian girl and said "and this is Rabya."

"Nice to meet you. I'm Leonard, and this is Howard and Raj." The three men stood in front of the three women and an eerie air fell over the group.

Rabya whispered something into Hannah's ear. "Yeah, it is kinda freaky," said Hannah.

"What's up with her?" asked Leonard, even though he had a feeling he knew the answer.

"Oh, she can't talk to boys unless she's drunk." Lina replied.

The six of them were silent for a long moment.

"I really need that drink," Howard said.

xxxxxx

xxxxxx

Stuffy air filled the apartment. Penny looked around at the mess dismally. Sheldon had been so busy with his wedding preparations that he hadn't cleaned her place in weeks. It was stupid, she knew, to expect him to clean up after her, but she did anyway, even though it was immature and stupid, stupid, stupid, and anyways, he would move out soon enough to be with his _wife_ and then what?

Then what.

She let out a deep breath and picked at the edge of the cardstock the wedding invitation was printed on. For so long, she had tried to talk him out of this marriage business, but Sheldon never listened to reason, only that was the problem, Sheldon _did_ listen to reason, but only _reason_ , and not emotions, which was really unreasonable of him. After all, what good reason was there for Sheldon and Amy not to get married? They were so alike, so similar, so smart, and here she was, dumb stupid Penny, completely different and why did she care anyway? But the marriage felt wrong. Penny knew that much.

She looked at herself one more time in the mirror. She looked good. Cute, but tasteful. Nothing that would offend Sheldon's mother, or Sheldon. Not that Sheldon ever noticed.

She would go to this wedding. She would go, and she would sit in the crowd, and hope Sheldon didn't freak out, and hope and pray that he had invented time travel in the future and would appear in the middle of the ceremony and stop himself.

That was her only hope.


	2. Part Two: The Ceremony

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Also, I started writing this about two weeks ago, so it might diverge slightly from canon following episode 4x05 – "The Desperation Emanation." I'll try to keep it as up to date as possible, but most likely it won't pan out to be the most canonical of things.

A/N: Also, I started writing this about two weeks ago, so it might diverge slightly from canon following episode 4x05 – "The Desperation Emanation." I'll try to keep it as up to date as possible, but most likely it won't pan out to be the most canonical of things.

xxxxx

Part Two: The Ceremony

xxxxx

The church was large, and spacious, with a tremendously high ceiling lending great acoustics to the pastor. At the altar stood the four men, Sheldon, Leonard, Howard, and Raj, mirrored by the bridesmaids Lina, Hannah, and Rabya. Each was thinking different things – Sheldon was reciting the periodic table to calm himself, Leonard was going over his best man speech, Howard was thinking that Hannah was kind of hot, and Raj was singing an Indian lullaby in his head.

At long last, the bridal march began and Amy Farrah Fowler began her walk down the aisle. Her wedding dress was ridiculously old-fashioned, with a long train that was being held up by a little boy stumbling after her who kept wiping his nose with it. Her hair was in the same style it usually was, and her face was makeup-free behind her large glasses. She arrived at the altar and took her place by Sheldon and the pastor began his speech.

Penny fidgeted in her seat. This couldn't be happening. She stared down at her hands in her lap, picking at one of her fingernails. When she looked up, she was utterly surprised to see the smallest of smiles on Sheldon's face when he looked at Amy.

Oh. Crap. He might really love that girl.

Penny remembered Sheldon smiling at her when she used all the science he had taught her to put Leonard in his place. She remembered their first meeting, he had given her that same smile when she had asked if he was one of those genius type guys. The look of concern he gave her when she fell in the shower, and he came in, like the hero he had always wanted to be, and helped her. Tried so hard to overcome his fears and dressed her and drove her to the hospital and sang 'Soft Kitty.' His look of exasperation when they watched 'The Lake House' together. A look of gratitude and pleasure over a simple meal of spaghetti with hot dogs cut up in it. And now he was smiling at some other girl, and she couldn't stand it. At the very least, she had to say something, even though she knew she would be rejected, she had to say something, she was smarter than she was when they first met, she was smarter and kinder and happier and better and more patient, but more awkward in different ways, and she could be herself, for once and she would say something, she had to.

Finally, the pastor got to the part of the speech, the super dramatic everyone-holding-their-breath part, where he says, "If anyone has a reason these two should not be joined together in holy matrimony, speak now, or forever hold your peace."

It went in slow motion for Penny. She heard each word as a single sentence: "Forever. Hold. Your. Peace." And she felt it rise up, the heat of the words she would say, her voice like a creature leaping out of her throat, and then it came, the voice:

"Wa-"

"WAIT!"

A louder, clearer voice. A masculine voice. Not Penny's voice.

A hundred heads swiveled simultaneously to the sound. And there, was a tall, handsome, blond man, standing up in his seat, his suit jacket unbuttoned, his tie swinging freely, and he said again, his voice slightly creaking, "Wait."

The bridesmaids gasped. Leonard shuffled over to Lina and asked, "Who's that?"

"That's Ken. Our neighbor." She whispered back. "My ex-boyfriend."

"Kenny!" said Amy in shock. "What are you doing?"

"'Kenny?' Really?" Howard looked up at the sky. "Really, Bizarre Mirror-Universe God? You're not even trying."

"Amy, I—" Ken was out of his seat, in the aisle now, moving up to the front. "I'm sorry, Lina, but it's just, I think, no, I'm sure—" he gulped. "Amy, I'm in love with you."

"Really?" cried Lina.

"Really?" said Hannah and Rabya in disbelief.

"Really?" asked Amy flatly.

"Really." Ken smiled and moved up even closer, until he was right in front of Amy. "I'm sorry, Amy, I should've said something sooner. I just didn't realize until you were going to be taken away from me. Please, Amy, don't marry this guy."

Amy looked from Sheldon to Ken and back again. "Kenny, Sheldon is the superior genetic specimen—"

"You want superior genetics? I'll give you superior genetics!" Ken tugged off his tie then pulled his shirt open, ripping buttons, showing a perfectly sculpted chest.

"Why don't you ever do that?" Howard cried, pointing at Penny.

Penny, in the audience, could only shake her head in shock, her mouth still hanging wide open.

"Our child will be smart and beautiful!" Ken cried, his voice growing a little manic. "Please, Amy, for once in your life, go with your heart."

"I—" Amy was speechless, a rarity for her. She took a deep breath and composed herself. "My heart has nothing to do with the decision making process, it's simply an organ that—"

"Dammit, Amy, you know what I mean." He took her hands in both of his. "Look at me Amy. Are we friends?"

She squirmed and avoided his gaze. "Yes. We're friends."

"And you know from anecdotal evidence that the best long-term relationships start as friendships."

"That's purely subjective—"

"Amy."

She looked up at him, her face a mask of stubborn reluctance. He kept smiling, idiotically so, and when their eyes finally met, he kissed her.

"!"

Amy's mother was on her feet, wailing miserably. She staggered forward, pointing a shaking finger at Ken. Usually a meek woman, she seemed on the verge of a breakdown. "You! She was this close!" She held her thumb and index finger an inch apart. "She was going to be married! And out of the house! Finally! Don't you ruin this for me, Kenneth Whatever-the-hell-your-last-name-is, I need this."

"No prob." Ken grinned lopsidedly. "I'll marry her right now. That is," he gave Amy a serious look, "If you'll have me."

Amy was blushing and she stared at the ground as she mumbled, "That is acceptable."

"Oh." Mrs. Fowler immediately stopped crying. "Well, all right then."

Ken turned to the guests and held his hands up apologetically. "Er, ladies and gentlemen, there's been a change of plans. I'm deeply sorry for all the trouble, especially to Sheldon's family. I just had to speak up for myself. I really feel terrible about this. Truly. And Sheldon," Ken turned to face the rejected groom. "I really didn't mean to hurt you. I feel like an ass."

Sheldon was stone-faced; paler than usual. All he did was nod at Ken, then turned and left the altar. His groomsmen scrambled after him, as did the entire side of the church that had been invited by Sheldon to the wedding. Mrs. Cooper gave Ken and Amy the evil eye as she left, hissing under her breath about the Lord's judgment for covetousness.

Lina began crying as everyone left, causing Ken to feel even worse. There was a whole host of problems he hadn't thought through, but it was too late now. He was literally being shoved by Amy's family to the front of the church.

And here he had always thought his wedding day would be the happiest of his life, not the most awkward. But as he looked at Amy in her wedding dress, he thought maybe it _was_ the happiest day after all.


	3. Part Three: Reception

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I started writing this about two weeks ago, so it might diverge slightly from canon following episode 4x05 – "The Desperation Emanation." I'll try to keep it as up to date as possible, but most likely it won't pan out to be the most canonical of things.

A/N: I started writing this about two weeks ago, so it might diverge slightly from canon following episode 4x05 – "The Desperation Emanation." I'll try to keep it as up to date as possible, but most likely it won't pan out to be the most canonical of things.

xxxxxxxx

Part Three: Reception

xxxxxxxx

Penny finally managed to snap her jaw shut as she filed out of the church with the rest of the groom's side. She ran to the front of the crowd where Sheldon was walking with long, determined strides down the sidewalk.

"Sheldon—"

He stopped and the whole crowd stopped behind him. "Penny." His voice was weaker than she was expecting.

"Sheldon, are you all right?"

"I'm fine." Sheldon said in a tone that made it obvious he wasn't fine. "Amy made her choice. And I have no choice but to respect it."

Penny smiled sadly. Sheldon. So oddly noble.

"Well," said Mrs. Cooper. "What do you say we go to the reception?"

"Really?" asked Penny.

"Sure, we paid for an open bar, didn't we?"

"An open bar?" said Howard incredulously. "God bless you, Mrs. Cooper."

xxxxx

They all drank copiously. Even Sheldon, who seemed determined to drown his sorrows. The DJ played music the crowd danced to halfheartedly.

"You know," said Raj as he sat at the table with Leonard and Howard. "We just encountered our freaky female doppelgangers, correct?"

"I'll say." Replied Leonard as he removed his bowtie and threw it on the table.

"Then that means that Ken was the male doppelganger of Penny."

"What? That's ridiculous," said Leonard.

"Really, dude?" asked Howard. "'Kenny?' 'Penny?'"

Leonard considered this. "I still don't see it."

"ANYWAY." Raj continued forcefully. "If Ken and Amy hooked up, do you think that means that Sheldon and Penny . . .?"

"Sheldon and Penny what?" asked Leonard.

"Oh come on!" cried Howard. " _Their names rhyme_."

"That doesn't mean anything."

"Listen, you—" Howard paused. "You know what, I don't really care." He took a long pull off of his beer.

xxxxxx

Penny was looking around the room fearfully, worried about Sheldon. She finally found him outside, at the backdoor of the reception hall. The sky was clouding over, and it looked like it might rain.

"Sheldon." She said softly.

He looked up, like a beaten dog with the hope of a reprieve. "Oh, hello Penny."

"Sheldon, I know you're upset."

"I'm not upset."

"Of course you are, you were just dumped at the altar. I mean—" Idiot. That was a horrible thing to say. "I just mean it's okay to be upset."

"I'm not upset," he reiterated. "I just—I don't _understand_."

"Of course not."

Sheldon tugged at the ends of his sleeves. "Why choose him? What's so great about a man willing to strip in public?"

Another sad smile crossed Penny's face. "I think, Sheldon, those two had an entire history we don't know about."

Sheldon's eyebrows arched at this. "You're right, Penny. I didn't know very much about Amy at all. Still, though, with my inquisitive mind, it wouldn't have taken very long to find out. He swept in, like the Han Solo to my Luke Skywalker, and stole my primary romantic interest."

"Wait, sweetie, didn't Han Solo pick Leia? Who was Luke's sister?"

"The analogy stands."

Penny was touched. Sheldon was actually feeling insecure. Doubting himself. "Turns out you are human after all, moonpie."

"Oh, no," Sheldon sank down onto a milk crate that was propped against the wall. "Meemaw flew all the way from Texas for this. She's sure to be disappointed."

"Well, Sheldon," Penny sat on another crate, angling it so she faced him on the diagonal. "She's more likely to be worried about you."

Sheldon looked genuinely surprised. "Worried? About me? I'll be fine. Especially since I'm no longer being pressured to engage in the act of coitus."

Penny winced. "Yeah, you really dodged a bullet there."

They were silent for a long time, the sound of traffic in the distance rushing by covering them.

"What were you going to say?"

Penny furrowed her eyebrows. "What?"

"I looked at you during the ceremony, right before Kenneth made his . . . announcement. You looked like you were about to say something. What was it?"

"I—" Penny's eyes softened as she looked at him in shock. He had looked at her. He hadn't smiled at Amy, after all. He had been smiling at her, at Penny. At her corny, awkward, failed-actress hailing from Nebraska self. Not some prodigy genius, not at the girl who was his mirror image, but at Penny.

She cleared her throat and looked down at her feet. Had she really worn those sandals? They were cute though. She touched her big toes together as she stalled Sheldon's question. "I was just. I mean, I wasn't. Nothing. I wasn't going to say anything."

Penny looked up to find Sheldon gazing at her rather somberly. "All right."

Thunder began to roar in the distance and the first drops of rain fell. Penny leaped to her feet nervously. "Let's go inside."

Still silent, Sheldon nodded and followed her. For just a moment, he noticed her hand going up to her hair and pushing back a single long blonde curl. He felt a little better.


	4. Part Four: You, Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I started writing this about two weeks ago, so it might diverge slightly from canon following episode 4x05 – "The Desperation Emanation." I'll try to keep it as up to date as possible, but most likely it won't pan out to be the most canonical of things.

A/N: I started writing this about two weeks ago, so it might diverge slightly from canon following episode 4x05 – "The Desperation Emanation." I'll try to keep it as up to date as possible, but most likely it won't pan out to be the most canonical of things.

xxxxx

Part Four: You, Again

xxxxx

Inside the reception hall, the bride had arrived.

Surprisingly, no one found this awkward. Mrs. Cooper sat at the same table as Mrs. Fowler, and the two seemed to be getting along famously. Wiping tears from her eyes, Mrs. Cooper cried, "That boy is something else. Let me tell you about the time he found out what the hole on the front of his underoos were for!" causing Mrs. Fowler to erupt into giggles. Sheldon's grandmother was also at the table, also enjoying the conversation tremendously.

"Well." said Sheldon, stopping in front of the door, looking across the room at his mother and Meemaw, "At least they seem to be enjoying themselves."

 _And so do they_ , thought Penny, noticing Ken and Amy swaying together in the middle of the dance floor. "Hey, moonpie, come drink with me!"

Penny grabbed his hand and started pulling him to the bar. "No, Penny, I think I've had enough—"

"Sheldon, firstly, one diet rum and coke is not 'enough.' Secondly, if there's one thing I know, it's breakups. And drinking always makes you feel better."

"But my mother—"

"She'll understand. Now," Penny said, slapping her palm down on the bar. "Two kamikazes please."

The bartender produced the shots in no time at all. Penny handled one to Sheldon and lifted it into a 'cheers' position. "To heartbreak."

"I don't understand," said Sheldon, holding the shot glass delicately from the top with his thumb and forefinger. "Is this a child's glass? Surely it would be too small for even a toddler—"

"It's a shot glass, Sheldon. You drink it all at once, like this." Penny tilted her head back and downed the drink.

"Oh. All right," said Sheldon in realization, then mimicked Penny's movements. Immediately, he started gagging, clutching his throat while his eyes bulged out of his head.

"There, there," said Penny, patting him on the back. She looked up at the bartender and flashed him a peace sign. "Two more, please."

xxxxxx

"So," purred Hannah, leaning over the table. "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm an engineer," replied Howard silkily.

"Really? Me too!" she replied brightly. She eagerly took a seat in the chair next to him. "I got my doctorate at the University of Southern Denmark."

"Doctorate?" Howard asked in a cracking voice.

"Yeah, how about you?"

"Oh, I . . . went to MIT." Of course the girl version of himself would be smarter.

"Well, would you like to do something sometime?"

"As . . . intriguing as that would be, I have a girlfriend." Howard picked up his glass and took a big gulp of his drink.

Rabya and Raj sat facing the crowd, their backs to Howard and Hannah.

"This is totally bogus," proclaimed Raj, taking a swig of his beer. His accent made the statement even more pronounced.

"I know, right?" replied Rabya as she drank from her cosmopolitan. Her voice was high pitched, and her Indian accent was about as thick as Raj's. "Although I totally wasn't expecting Ken to do that. He and Amy have always had a weird relationship. They fight all the time! And he used to date Lina. It's really weird, man."

"Tell me about it." Raj rolled his eyes. "Hey. You want to get out of here?"

"Absolutely." The two put their drinks down and stood to leave.

At the next table, Lina was wiping her face with numerous tissues while Leonard tried to console her. She had set her glasses on the table and had to squint to see him whenever he talked.

"I just didn't see this coming." Lina blew her nose loudly into a tissue.

"I didn't either." said Leonard.

"I mean, Ken and I, it was a long thing, you know? I had a crush on him, but I didn't think he'd go for me, then we went one date, but that didn't work, then I left for three months on a research expedition, and when I came back, he was all over me, and we dated, but then we broke up. We were just at different places in the relationship," she explained, dropping her hands into her lap.

"Wow," said Leonard, pausing for a long time. "I have no idea what that must be like."

"Denial!" cried Howard, popping up behind him.

"W-w-what?" stammered Leonard.

"You, my friend, are living in the worst state of denial I've ever seen."

"Please," Leonard scoffed. "My mother is one of the foremost psychiatrists in the world. I've been in therapy since I was in diapers. Surely, I would realize it if I was in denial."

"No! You wouldn't!" said Howard. "That's why it's called _denial_."

"What would I possibly be in denial of?"

"Oh, I dunno, maybe that Penny's in love with Sheldon?"

"What—that's-don't be—you really think so?" Leonard adjusted his glasses.

"Yeah, just - oh, I don't really care." Howard waved his hands and walked away.

Leonard let his gaze wander past Howard, past the crowd, to the bar, where Sheldon and Penny were drinking together. Penny was helping Sheldon steady his shot glass, her small hands adjusting his long fingers as she giggled convulsively. Even Sheldon was smiling, and Leonard could read his lips as they formed the word "Bazinga" causing Penny to erupt in peals of laughter.

"Oh." said Leonard. "Crap."


	5. Part Five: Exeunt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I started writing this about two weeks ago, so it might diverge slightly from canon following episode 4x05 – "The Desperation Emanation." I'll try to keep it as up to date as possible, but most likely it won't pan out to be the most canonical of things.

A/N: I started writing this about two weeks ago, so it might diverge slightly from canon following episode 4x05 – "The Desperation Emanation." I'll try to keep it as up to date as possible, but most likely it won't pan out to be the most canonical of things.

xxxxx

Part Five: Exeunt

xxxxx

Sheldon, laughing. Sheldon, allowing someone else to touch him. This was amazing. Penny was amazed. Her head felt floaty with alcohol and suddenly everything Sheldon said was hilarious. Even all those long-winded jokes about fisicks. Fisssiiiiiickss. Puh-hy-sicks.

"Penny? Why do you keep saying physics?"

"It's a funny word, fissssssicks. It's kinda like fishsticks, but more science-y." She nodded with utmost seriousness.

"It is kind of like fishsticks, isn't it?" Sheldon said thoughtfully. "Did you know that fishsticks used to be called 'herring savouries' in England? Well, of course, those were only the fishsticks made out of herring."

"And here I thought you were leading me on and it would be another kind of fish," Penny said dreamily. This conversation was ridiculous. Her fingers went up to her mouth as she had another fit of giggles. "Hey. Come on. Come on. Let's walk. You're drunk."

"You're drunk."

"No, you're drunk, or you would've been a total ass when I said fishsticks were science-y. Or not science-y. Whatever. Come on." She grabbed his hand and dragged him down the room. There was a large window in the front that they both paused at.

"Look." Penny said. "It stopped raining. Hey, what's that?"

"That," replied Sheldon, "Was the limo Amy and I were supposed to take to the hotel where we were going to spend the night before leaving tomorrow."

Penny looked up at him, trying to concentrate. The alcohol made her feel warm all over and thinking required effort. "So let's go!"

She grabbed his hand again, pulling him out the door. When they got to the limo, she threw open the car door and shoved Sheldon inside, plopping in after him. "Driver! Driver!"

The black privacy screen rolled down and the chauffeur nodded at them.

"Take us around!"

"Around where?"

"The whole city! I want to see Pasadena at its finest!"

"Certainly, ma'am." The screen rolled up again and Penny giggled. She really couldn't stop giggling and she was wondering if Sheldon was finding it annoyed but when she looked over at him he seemed more worried than anything.

"Shouldn't we tell someone we're leaving?"

"Lighten up, happy kitty, let's check out the mini-bar!"


	6. Part Six: Bright Lights, Big City

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I started writing this about two weeks ago, so it might diverge slightly from canon following episode 4x05 – "The Desperation Emanation." I'll try to keep it as up to date as possible, but most likely it won't pan out to be the most canonical of things.

A/N: I started writing this about two weeks ago, so it might diverge slightly from canon following episode 4x05 – "The Desperation Emanation." I'll try to keep it as up to date as possible, but most likely it won't pan out to be the most canonical of things.

xxxxxxx

Part Six: Bright Lights, Big City

xxxxxxx

"It's not really a _big_ city," said Sheldon. "It's average sized."

"It's just a saying, Sheldon." Penny replied. "Hey, check this out!" She squealed excitedly and started pushing buttons on the roof of the car. The moon roof slid open and she popped up, the top half of her body outside of the limo now.

"Wow! So cool! Sheldon, come up here!"

"What if I swallow a bug?"

"Then I'd feel bad for the bug. Come on!" She grabbed him by his collar and hoisted him to his feet. He clutched at the roof of the car in desperation. "Penny, at this velocity, if we happened to be struck by a low-hanging tree branch, things could be—"

"What trees, Sheldon? Just look around! It's awesome!"

Tentatively, he began to swivel his head around and take in the scenery. "It is interesting to observe the laws of physics while I am currently in motion."

"See? There you go?"

Sheldon, feeling drunk, pressed his cheek to the roof of the limo and looked up at Penny. "And the car feels warm."

"It's not a car, Sheldon, it's a limousine." Penny started giggling at having corrected Sheldon. She fell back into her seat and Sheldon slunk in after her, chuckling a bit himself.

He looked over at her and could still see in his mind the image of her silhouette against the night sky, her hair flying wildly in all directions. It was messy now, and she was trying desperately to smooth it back into place. "Penny, I like your hair."

"Oh. Thanks," she said a little confusedly.

They looked at each other then, and it was one of those looks, one of those heavy full-of-meaning-and-subtext looks, one of those looks where you can feel the pressure of an invisible audience to _just kiss each other, dammit_ , it's so obvious, _come on already_.

It was easier than she thought it would be. All she did was lean forward a bit, tilting her head up just enough, then applying some more pressure, and she felt her body grow warm, with the alcohol and relief and maybe a little bit of desire and for Pete's sake, why hadn't he pushed her away yet?

She pulled back rather quickly and brought both of her hands up to her mouth. Sheldon was staring at her wide-eyed. "Oh my god," she squeaked. "I just kissed _Sheldon_."

"Yes," replied Sheldon. "And I just kissed _Penny_."

This was the absolute funniest thing she had ever heard and she started laughing. A deep, aching laugh, causing her to clutch her belly. She doubled over and put her head between her knees, her whole body shaking with mirth.

Slowly, a smirk crossed Sheldon's face. A small chuckle escaped his throat. Soon, he was laughing just as hard as Penny, slapping the seat beside him.

"All right, all right," Penny sat up, wiping tears from her eyes. "Sheldon, listen-" she started giggling again.

"I was listening!"

"No, no, no, no, I know." Penny cleared her throat and tried to be serious. "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For, you know, kissing. You. I'm sorry for kissing you."

Very quietly, Sheldon said, "There's no need to be sorry, Penny."

"Oh, but you don't like touching, or stuff like that."

"You're right. I don't."

"But aren't you ever, you know, curious? Don't you get . . . feelings?"

He cleared his throat. "Occasionally. Mainly they're a distraction that I try to ignore."

Penny brightened. There was some hope here after all. "Really?" She placed a hand on his knee. "How much can you really ignore?"

"I've never—I've never tested the limits—" He was cut off when Penny started kissing him again, this time with feeling. She was straddling him now, moving her hips lightly against him, deliberately trying to get a reaction from him. The kiss was deeper now, and involved a level of human contact Sheldon was definitely unfamiliar with. Perhaps the alcohol in his system was urging him on, but his body did move in synch with Penny's, his hands sliding up her hips to the small of her back, following the curve of her spine to her hair, his long fingers grasping it tightly. It wasn't as undesirable as he had always imagined it to be

 _only that was the problem, wasn't it, he had imagined this situation, before, and it had been rather pleasant, much to his chagrin, but that had only been a fantasy and this was real, wasn't it, it was_

and he wanted more. And when they broke apart, breathing heavily, he actually had to stop himself from saying just that, _more, I want more_.

"Well?" Penny said, her lips agains his neck, causing a sensation so delightful he felt his back arch.

"You – I admit defeat."

She started giggling again and rolled off of him back onto the seat. "All right, let's cool off. Let's do something crazy. Let's do something you've always wanted to do."

Sheldon's eyes glinted. "Yes. I have an idea." He tapped on the privacy screen. "Driver." Three was no answer, and tapped three more times. "Driver." Still no answer, and he tapped three more times, and this time Penny said with him, "Driver!"

The screen rolled down, revealing the silhouette of the chauffeur's head. "Yes?"

"Can you take us to the university? Caltech," Sheldon clarified.

A nod, and the screen rolled up.

"The university?" Penny wrinkled her nose.

"Yes." Sheldon leaned back, touching the tips of his fingers together. "There _is_ something I've always wanted to do."


	7. Part Seven: The Noodle Incident

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> xxxxxxxxxx

xxxxxxxxxx

Part Seven: The Noodle Incident

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No one was sure exactly what happened. There were the words "YOUR MOTHER IS A HYDROXYL ION" spray-painted in large red letters on the wall of Barry Kripke's office, accompanied by a smaller spray-painted image of a bunny directly below it. There were helium-filled balloons lining the hallways of the university. The laser in Leslie Winkle's lab had been used to burn smiley faces into the cinderblocks (and burn several vegetables, but Leslie admitted to doing that herself). Havoc had been wreaked upon the school, and someone had hacked the security system effortlessly and left no trace of their exploits.

No one ever discovered the culprits.

xxxxxx

They were in the limo again. They had ran as fast as the could and ordered the chauffeur to drive in hushed tones. The alcohol should have started to wear off, only they had been drinking for the entirety of their venture. Adrenaline started to mix with their drunkenness, and they kept laughing as Penny tried to wipe the paint off her hands onto Sheldon's pants.

Somehow, they ended up kissing again. Sheldon was starting to get used to it. Penny knew he would need a little practice before he got any good at it, but he was a fast learner and she had faith in him. They moved together fluidly, and he wasn't the stiff robot she had always presumed him to be.

Once they got started, it was rather easy.


	8. Part Eight: The Hangover

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> xxxxx

xxxxx

Part Eight: The Hangover

xxxxx

The sun. So bright. "Why is the sun billions of degrees?"

"Actually, even at its core, the sun is only 27 million degrees, and that's Fahrenheit."

"Thank you, Sheldon." Penny grumbled as she shoved open the door to the apartment building. The limo had deposited them on the sidewalk in front of their home shortly before sunrise and they had actually fallen asleep on the sidewalk for two hours. When Penny had finally risen, she had had given Sheldon a hard kick with her foot. He jolted awake, mumbling incoherently.

"Oh, God, what did I do?" Penny whispered, putting her hand to her forehead. She could actually feel the blood vessels throbbing. She was sure her hair was a mess, and her makeup destroyed and her dress—well her dress was covered in sweat and vodka and something red she hoped beyond hope was paint. Paint. That sounded vaguely familiar.

She turned to look at Sheldon. Properly disheveled, his hair sticking up, his tie the loosest it could be. Luckily his pants hadn't been removed, though not for lack of trying. She winced, remembering she had been the one trying and had been too drunk to manage the fly. Not to mention Sheldon blushing and stammering throughout the whole ordeal.

"Come on . . . come on . . . Sheldon . . ." she said exhaustedly as she started to crawl up the stairs. Gingerly, he walked behind her, but by the second flight, he too was on his hands and knees struggling up the stairs.

"My mother would be so upset with me right now. Drunkeness is the Devil's work."

"Shut up, Sheldon."

"Sorry, Penny."

"Wait." She stopped, in the middle of the stairs, and turned to face him while sitting down. "Did you just apologize? To me?"

"Well, I have learned things about relationships from observing those around me."

"Relationship?" Penny squeaked. A relationship. With Sheldon. Hoo boy.

"And I've learned it is always best in the male partner's case to apologize to the female before things escalate into ridiculous misunderstandings."

"Sheldon, that's—" she thought about it for a moment. "That's fine."

Slowly, achingly, they made it to the fourth floor. They stayed at the top step, lying on the carpet for a bit, trying to catch their breath.

"Sheldon." Penny's voice was serious. "I don't want you apologizing to me. I mean, I do, when you're wrong, but not when you're right, but if you're acting like a jerk, I want you to, but don't act like a jerk in the first place, really, and you should only apologize when you really regret your actions, you know?"

"No." Sheldon replied flatly.

"Okay." She took a deep breath. "Sheldon, I don't know if we can have a relationship. Yesterday, you were about to get married. And you were so against the idea of having a relationship anyway and we're so incompatible and it would be so weird with _Leonard_ , and everything, I just don't know. I don't know, okay?"

Sheldon sat up straight, touched his fingers together, smoothed the front of his pants. "You're right Penny. It would be weird. I'm not very good at lying, and I could not keep anything from Leonard. I know human relationships are at most a distraction from my work, that 'love' as people know it is a set of chemical reactions and electrical impulses from various synapses depending on pheromones. That our personalities are out of synch, and human contact is foreign to me. We could not exist as a 'we,' and that is all there is to it."

Penny nodded sadly, folding her hands in her lap.

"However," Sheldon cleared his throat. Scratched his neck. Loosened his tie so much it fell off altogether. "It should not be said that Doctor Sheldon Cooper was not up to a challenge. I would like to _try_."

This last bit was very earnest. It came out so strangled Penny thought he might cry. But he looked straight ahead and cleared his throat once more.

So she started to cry instead. "Oh, Sheldon." She threw her arms around him impulsively, felt his body stiffen, then slightly relax as he put one arm around her back.

"Okay." She whispered into his ear. "We'll try." She kissed him on the cheek, then struggled to her feet. He stood with her, supporting her slightly. "But right now, we have to get some sleep."

She tottered over to her apartment, pulling out her keys, and he went to his door, and they both paused, turning to look at the other with identical small smiles. She waved at him brightly, and went into her apartment and shut the door. He held up his hand in a tiny wave as it closed, and he opened the door to his own home, preparing himself for whatever was inside.


	9. Part Nine: And the Wrap Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> xxxxxxxxx

xxxxxxxxx

Part Nine: And the Wrap-Up

xxxxxxxxx

"Well, look what the theoretical physicist dragged in." said Howard. He was sitting on the couch with Raj and Leonard, and the three seemed to be playing Halo.

"Hello, all." Said Sheldon quietly. "Leonard." He gulped when looking at his friend, but Leonard just smiled and waved at him.

"You look like hell, dude." Said Raj, taking in Sheldon's raggedy appearance.

"You can't blame him," said Howard. "If I had gotten dumped at the altar, I would have gotten smashed out of my mind too."

"Huh, that's weird." Leonard had pulled out his cellphone. "I just got a text from Leslie Winkle. She says someone trashed the university last night."

"Really?" Sheldon said, moving over to the couch and feigning nonchalance.

"Yeah. Strange." Leonard shrugged and put his phone back in his pocket.

There was a long moment of silence until Howard finally blurted, "Raj slept with himself last night!"

"Dude!" Raj protested. "I didn't sleep with myself! I slept with a perfectly nice Indian girl."

"Okay, the odd, parallel-universe-where-in-that-parallel-universe-everyone-is-a-different-gender version of yourself then." Howard managed to snipe Raj's character in the game. "Headshot!"

"You're creepy, Howard." Raj replied. "But also, aww yeah, I got some last night!" he and Howard bumped fists.

"I'm sure you weren't the only one," Howard snickered in Sheldon's direction, although Sheldon only gave him a clueless look.

"What are you talking about?" asked Leonard.

"Really? We went through this." Said Howard. Another moment of silence. "But I still don't care."

They shrugged and continued playing the game.

Except for Sheldon, who fidgeted nervously in his spot. What would he tell Leonard? How would Leonard react? Of course, Leonard wasn't the only problem.

There was also the Nobel Prize.

xxxxxxx

The End

xxxxxxx

A/N: Thank you for reading my fic. There will be a sequel. It will be called "The Problem is the Nobel Prize (and Also Leonard)"


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